Put Your Own Mask On First
You've probably heard the oxygen mask rule before. On an airplane, you're told to put your own mask on first, before helping anyone else, even your own kids. Most people have heard that before, and as I am on an airplane now, I can't help but think about how that applies to self-care too.
As I think about the analogy of an oxygen mask, the reality is if you don't have oxygen, you can't give oxygen to anyone else, at least not for long, anyway. I think love and joy work the same way. If you don't have enough for yourself, how much can you really give someone else? And for how long?
I don't know about you, my tank gets empty sometimes, and I want to show up as a loving husband, father, and leader, but I fall short sometimes. Even beyond that, for a long time, I didn't even show up for myself.
One simple example of this is self-talk. I think we all talk to ourselves sometimes. And I am curious, how do you talk to yourself? Is it in a loving, encouraging way? Or is there name calling? (Example: "You are so stupid, Jonathan! How could you do this, again!")
For a long time, I really wasn't kind to myself. Honestly, I don't think I stopped to listen to myself, but I can tell you there was more frustration than grace. That's changed over the past few years. Now I try to talk to myself the way I'd talk to my own best friend. Encouraging. On my side.
Self-care, self-kindness, and self-love are really the same thing with different names. Self-care means learning to listen to yourself, figuring out what you actually need. That's taken me years to get good at, and I'm still learning. A few years ago, I would push through almost anything, if I was sick, tired, frustrated, or hurting, I would just go through the same motions every single day. I even self-medicated with alcohol for a long time in the evenings and told myself I was using it to relax after a long day. I never paid attention to myself to ask if I needed more sleep, a day off, or even a simple walk outside. Now I actually stop and ask what I need. Sometimes it's as simple as a walk, a minute to myself to catch my breath, or just calling my mom or my brother. Only you know what you actually need in each moment, and it just takes slowing down long enough to ask the question honestly.
Being kind to yourself means listening to yourself, and choosing kind words when you talk to yourself. Self-love is the same thing. It's reminding yourself that things are going to work out, that you've survived 100 percent of the hard things that have already happened to you, and that no matter what comes next, you'll be there for you. Here's the thing I've noticed: when my needs are actually met, I can give love and care to the people around me so much more fully. I don't know the science behind why that's true. I just know that it is.
As I was practicing self-care, one thing I realized in my early 40s was that I hadn't authentically played, laughed, or smiled in a long time. That's a strange thing to admit. I'd gotten so caught up in being busy, in work, in a hundred things filling my head, that I forgot what actually brought me joy. To find it again, I had to think back to what made me happy as a kid, and start there. Riding a bike. Playing in the rain. Fishing. Snowboarding. Drawing. Maybe I'm not the only guy who lost track of this somewhere in his 30s, but for years, work was the only thing I had. I didn't have hobbies. And I don't count work as one.
I'm a healthier version of myself today, with real hobbies and real interests outside of work. And here's the part that sounds backward but isn't: it's made me a better leader, because I'm more balanced. I remember faking a smile so often it almost hurt my face. Now when I smile, it feels like coming home to myself. It's coming from somewhere real and authentic, because I know who I am, I'm taking care of myself, and I'm actually enjoying the life I've built with my family and friends.
I put together a list of 30 small ways to find joy in everyday moments. Nothing on it requires a big trip or a lot of money, just a little intention. 30 Small Ways to Find Joy in Everyday Moments →
One question to carry with you
How would you feel if you saw your child speaking to themselves the way you talk to yourself?
One thing to practice
Do one thing this week that brought you joy as a kid. No phone, no agenda. Just to see how it feels.
If you know a man who might need these words today, would you consider sharing this letter with him? Sometimes the right message arrives at exactly the right time.
Jonathan Worrall
Growing Forward
If this letter was useful, get the next one: twice a month, straight to your inbox.