Growing Forward · Letter No. 3 · August 2026← All letters

How to Listen

Learning to listen isn't about hearing every word someone says. It's about helping them feel understood. Two words changed how I do it: validate and consider.

For much of my 22-year marriage, my wife would tell me, "You don't listen."

I thought that was crazy. Of course I listened. I have ears. I could repeat almost every word she said. In fact, when she'd tell me I wasn't listening, I'd often respond by repeating her words back to her. "This is what you said." Then I'd replay the conversation almost word for word, thinking I'd just proven my point.

Instead, it only made her more frustrated. I couldn't understand it.

A few years ago, she listened to a podcast featuring a guest talking about relationships. Afterward she told me, "This guy understands women." That got my attention.

I listened to the episode. His own marriage had ended in divorce, and looking back, he realized he'd spent years missing something important. Through that, he'd landed on two words that changed how he thought about relationships: validate and consider.

I still didn't fully get it. So I did something a little unusual — I reached out to him and asked if he'd talk with me. To my surprise, he said yes. During that conversation, he unpacked those two words, and something finally clicked.

Before that, when my wife shared something difficult, my response almost always sounded like: "Yeah, I get it. Here's what you should do." I cringe thinking about it now. For years, I had almost no emotional capacity for her.

Validation isn't agreeing with everything someone says. It's acknowledging what they're feeling. If my wife said, "I was so sad when our dog ran away," my instinct used to be to solve it. Validation sounds more like: "Yeah, I'm sad too." That's it. No fixing, no correcting, no explaining — just letting someone know their emotions make sense.

Then came the second word: consider. Validation happens while someone is talking. Consideration happens when they're not. As I started paying attention, I realized my wife had been considering everyone else for years — the kids' schedules, doctor's appointments, birthdays, a hundred details nobody else noticed. She carried everyone else in her mind. I rarely did. I was mostly thinking about my own plans, and how everyone else fit into them. I needed to do a better job of considering her wants and needs when she wasn't in the room. It's a small and subtle way to show someone you care about them.

I wasn't trying to hurt her or be selfish. But intention doesn't erase impact. In a lot of ways, I emotionally trampled the person I loved most.

Validate while they're talking. Consider when they're not. Simple? Absolutely. Easy? Not even close. I'm still learning. But I finally understand why repeating someone's words back to them isn't the same as making them feel heard. Sometimes the greatest gift we can give another person isn't our advice. It's our presence.

If you know a man who might benefit from reading this today, would you consider sharing this letter with him? Sometimes the right message arrives at exactly the right time.

— Jonathan Worrall